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[pharmacy]

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Quentin Smith, 23

letters ◇ thoughts ◇ dreams

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[pharmacy]

What.

[moondregs]

Where did this —- since when?!

[ At least he doesn’t sound mad? Just incredibly confused. ]

How? We spend most of our time together elbow deep in guts and … Quentin you can’t just … SAY that!

[pharmacy]

I dunno, you're cute, we're friends, usually when someone as wound up as you pops off, they're like--extra fun and loosey goosey--

It's fun. Making out, sex--it's fun, man.

[moondregs]

I am not wound up.

[ That comes out way too quickly. And then … ]

… sex. Oh. Oh my god. I had sex. Real, actual … sex. In … front of people.

[ Fingers trace along the mark on his neck. A cold jolt shoots through his body. ]

… I … I’m really sore.

[pharmacy]

[ He's thought for a long time that Junpei would benefit from getting laid, but this isn't the impact he had imagined. It's worrying. ]

...Was that your first time?

[moondregs]

Yeah.

[ But he’s suddenly feeling like he’s being too vulnerable. That’s not good. Have to pull back in some. ]

Whatever. It was going to happen here eventually, right? It’s not like it means anything.

[pharmacy]

Sure. If you say it a bunch of times, that makes it true. So that's one--do you wanna get a few more reps in right now, or you wanna just let it happen organically throughout the day?

[moondregs]

Virginity is a social construct.

[ Oh he’s just on a roll now, sounding like Quentin isn’t the only one he’s trying to convince, and talking exactly like freshly arrived Junpei. ]

And arousal and … love are brain chemicals. There’s no point in assigning them deeper meaning. They just are. It’s the metabolism of the soul.

[ But there’s a falter at the end. It’s harder to say it now. ]

cw: allusion to suicide

[pharmacy]

[ Oh christ-- ]

Fuck that, man, everything is fucking chemicals, everything we fucking do is chemicals. Love and arousal and sex are only as important as literally every other fucking thing, so like--either treat like a big deal like every other big fucking deal, or if it doesn't fucking matter, just die.

You don't have to be a bastard genius about this. You're allowed to have fucking feelings about it.

[moondregs]

No! I don’t want to!

[ Tired. In pain. Nerves raw. Being deliriously ridiculous. ]

Feelings have caused me nothing but trouble since I came here! If I could just … turn them off … I’d be fine. Everything wouldn’t be so … stupid!

[pharmacy]

Fine. Which one are you turning off first?

[moondregs]

I don’t want to need … anyone else. That’s what I want to turn off. I just want to be by myself. I don’t want to want … kissing. Or hand holding. Or body heat. Or … love. Or any of that.

[pharmacy]

Why not? Just because it hurts?

[moondregs]

It feels like a weakness.

[pharmacy]

...It is. Just like guts. Just like your organs, and that's how much you need those feelings too. You don't have to get rid of it, you have to protect it. Like your bones protect your guts.

[ ... ]

...I'm not gonna say last night was like a great example of protecting yourself, but--y'know. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

[moondregs]

It’s so annoying.

[ A groan into his mattress. ]

I’ve been just trying to focus on work. It’s been going … fine. Then I die and the first thing that happens when I come back is … that.

[ Then, lower. ]

Everyone is going to think I’m a slut.

[pharmacy]

I dunno, man, slutty was the name of the game. It was--literally the theme of the night. If anyone thinks worse of you and they were there? They're a fucking hypocrite.

How rich would I get betting you're worried about someone?

[moondregs]

I’m worried about a lot of someones.

[ Danger alarm is sounding. Quick throw out a distraction. ]

… who was that guy?

[pharmacy]

You're kidding me. Junpei, I have not seen anyone slut it up as much as House did last night. He's got no ground to stand on if he comes for you. He's got like a bog to sink into. Like a cum bog.

[ Sorry if that's gross, but who can say he's wrong?! ]

What guy? Another someone?

[moondregs]

Don’t bring sensei into this!

[ Especially reminding him how many other people he slept with! ]

A guy said he was friends with you and told me not to … go wild. Ugh, remembering the stuff we talked about … you have to tell him I’m not like that.

[pharmacy]

[ Quentin certainly wasn't immune to the charms of food and drink last night either, so it takes him a while to pull up the memory, but he gets there after a few seconds: ]

Oh--Danny.

[ Pay no attention to the frisson of fluttering behind the connection. ]

Listen, he was slutting it up, too. Me too. Like--everyone. I don't think he's gonna hold it against you.

[moondregs]

… but you also wanted to make out with me anyway.

[ He hasn’t forgotten that part. ]

But if you’re sure …

[pharmacy]

Junpei, I'm sure.

[ He needs a minute to sigh, to rub his temples ruefully and weigh how much of this he wants to address in a deep way. Maybe this first and foremost: ]

Look, if you want to again. I'm--we hang out all the time, it's not like an imposition or anything. And fuck if I'm letting you practice with House or something.

[moondregs]

[ A static ripple at another mention of House. ]

Stop bringing him up.

[ His imagination causes the hickey to pulse as the idea of the doctor wanting to be intimate again spawns a pleasant, excited tickle. ]

I … hate that I can’t get myself to turn you down.

[ Huffed out in that funny, fussy Junpei way that says he doesn’t hate it at all. ]

You’re so annoying.

[ -ly cute. With soft lips and talented hands. ]

[pharmacy]

Well, yeah, you finally noticed I'm cute, so you're officially screwed.

[ He'll leave it there for a few minutes, taking his time to remove a collection of jars for dusting. But they are friends--maybe better friends now with a few things out on the table. He can't just leave this alone, but at least he's more delicate about his approach: ]

Can I bring him up one more time?