yeah you know what, i don't really get along great with billy, I was mostly there for you I know I have to get used to just seeing Danny around but its hard it's hard, what he did to me was the worst thing that's ever happened to me lol
for the first time in what feels like a long, long time, Jem thinks before she answers.]
sometimes he asks for it and i don’t always take it everywhere with me.
[this is true, even if vague. ]
normal break ups are hard enough lol
i’m sorry that he did that to you. i have been the whole time. it feels like there’s been one thing after another happening and i never got the chance to say that it was really fucked up, and i think you should be as angry and hurt as you want for however long you want.
you can get used to having him around, but you know you can still hate it and wish a train would run him over a few dozen times.
[ Knows she feels fucked up about it, or she might have said something sooner. Knows he can feel how he feels, because he couldn't stop it if he wanted. Knows it's only going to get weirder to navigate after meeting Danny in the lodge only a couple days ago, full of bitter affection and sour want. He trusts all of that, as hard as the feelings are to hold. What he doesn't know-- ]
He's one completely confusing thing It's a totally separate confusing thing to know what I'm supposed to say when people that say they wanna be friends with me dedicate songs to him, or make a point out of fucking him, or loan him their camera to take pictures of me losing it over a dead body and use them as a weird little reveal moment before ripping my fucking heart out
when i found felipe's body in the woods after Danny killed him, Danny was watching he took pictures
the morning he killed me, he left one of them for me to find it's the same kind of shit he used to do in the fog, just minus the high quality photos, plus the baggage of the horrifying disruption of reality
I left early bc seeing the stock gave me a panic attack, I was a mess
[what does she do with that, now? strange new layers to an obsession she understands, except it's cruel, it's cruel, she's never thought of Danny as cruel - ]
maybe i should have known he'd done that maybe i didn't want to know
but i mean, you can see how this makes things weird for me sometimes it feels like people think what happened was a prank or sth i can feel what i feel, but i'm not allowed to let it affect anything or anyone else
i think there's people here who are really cavalier about dying bc it isn't permanent and i guess they forget that you had a history with him before you knew he was the thing you had history with, because everyone's wrapped up in their own shit all the time
[ The first thing he reaches for is too raw, too red, and too angry to say. It's just his instinct. He doesn't even really want the kind of lashing out he thinks of first, does he? Quentin reaches for the very next thing: ]
I want to be able to be in the woods and not be afraid
yeah and a mean right hook has always thrown him off
knowing how to fight isn't going to make me feel better about you either even if it was okay to hit a girl, I don't think clocking you would help anything hitting house didn't jesus even killing danny didn't
jem, trust me, I have hypervigilant in the woods down
[ An eternity in the Fog pretty much drilled that into him. ]
I didn't mean that literally like i want to be able to take a walk I wanna feel safe in the woods, or in town, or at a party I wanna know who I can trust
1. are you worried about danny specifically in the woods?
2. because the woods are always dangerous with or without him, and you managed fine before. you’d manage better if you know how to fight properly.
3. you’re already friends with people i personally wouldn’t trust, but you seem to
4. i think you want to let your guard down, maybe i’m wrong. or projecting? but i think we both know that can’t happen, because we’re always in danger here, no matter where we are or who we’re with. and it’s a shitty exhausting way to live but it’s how you stay alive a little longer.
5. i don’t think danny will hurt you again. physically, anyway. not unless you ask for it.
you want us to be friends, right? you keep acting like you want us to be friends, but you don't seem to have any idea of what he's done either you don't care enough to find out or you're playing dumb like that's gonna get you off the hook
either way, how am I supposed to trust you? how can I willfully put myself out there for you knowing I'm gonna get hurt like last night?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
april 5th, text
[head? throbbing. body? aching. ]
Re: april 5th, text
yeah stephen has me on this strict routine lol
did you enjoy your night?
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another crime to add to his laundry list
i did, from what i remember
i think i pulled a muscle in my back so i’m going with ‘great time’ :)
did you have fun though??? i know it’s been a shitty uh
year
so far
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[ Everything else was...well. Weird. ]
ig I didn't expect to hear/think so much about Danny lmao he really just kept coming up huh
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because he was dressed like a big stupid slut???
that’s so annoying, you were supposed to be exclusively thinking about billy’s ass or nothing at all
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I know I have to get used to just seeing Danny around but its hard
it's hard, what he did to me was the worst thing that's ever happened to me lol
[ LOL ]
Did you know he used your camera?
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for the first time in what feels like a long, long time, Jem thinks before she answers.]
sometimes he asks for it and i don’t always take it everywhere with me.
[this is true, even if vague. ]
normal break ups are hard enough lol
i’m sorry that he did that to you. i have been the whole time. it feels like there’s been one thing after another happening and i never got the chance to say that it was really fucked up, and i think you should be as angry and hurt as you want for however long you want.
you can get used to having him around, but you know
you can still hate it and wish a train would run him over a few dozen times.
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[ Knows she feels fucked up about it, or she might have said something sooner. Knows he can feel how he feels, because he couldn't stop it if he wanted. Knows it's only going to get weirder to navigate after meeting Danny in the lodge only a couple days ago, full of bitter affection and sour want. He trusts all of that, as hard as the feelings are to hold. What he doesn't know-- ]
He's one completely confusing thing
It's a totally separate confusing thing to know what I'm supposed to say when people that say they wanna be friends with me dedicate songs to him, or make a point out of fucking him, or loan him their camera to take pictures of me losing it over a dead body and use them as a weird little reveal moment before ripping my fucking heart out
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[ record scratch. one of those details was Not Entirely Known, or maybe she wilfully ignored it enough to forget, or - ]
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when i found felipe's body in the woods after Danny killed him, Danny was watching
he took pictures
the morning he killed me, he left one of them for me to find
it's the same kind of shit he used to do in the fog, just
minus the high quality photos, plus the baggage of the horrifying disruption of reality
I left early bc seeing the stock gave me a panic attack, I was a mess
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[what does she do with that, now? strange new layers to an obsession she understands, except it's cruel, it's cruel, she's never thought of Danny as cruel - ]
maybe i should have known he'd done that
maybe i didn't want to know
i'm sorry.
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but i mean, you can see how this makes things weird for me
sometimes it feels like people think what happened was a prank or sth
i can feel what i feel, but i'm not allowed to let it affect anything or anyone else
idk what i'm supposed to do
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and i guess they forget that you had a history with him before you knew he was
the thing you had history with, because everyone's wrapped up in their own shit all the time
what do you want to do about it?
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I want to be able to be in the woods and not be afraid
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you've BEEN here, right?
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especially in the woods. danny’s out there. he’s always going to be out there.
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knowing how to fight isn't going to make me feel better about you either
even if it was okay to hit a girl, I don't think clocking you would help anything
hitting house didn't
jesus even killing danny didn't
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anyway you wouldn't be able to clock me, i'm fast
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[ An eternity in the Fog pretty much drilled that into him. ]
I didn't mean that literally like i want to be able to take a walk
I wanna feel safe in the woods, or in town, or at a party
I wanna know who I can trust
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2. because the woods are always dangerous with or without him, and you managed fine before. you’d manage better if you know how to fight properly.
3. you’re already friends with people i personally wouldn’t trust, but you seem to
4. i think you want to let your guard down, maybe i’m wrong. or projecting? but i think we both know that can’t happen, because we’re always in danger here, no matter where we are or who we’re with. and it’s a shitty exhausting way to live but it’s how you stay alive a little longer.
5. i don’t think danny will hurt you again. physically, anyway. not unless you ask for it.
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I'm not worried about Danny hurting me, I know he will, I know what that danger is
I'm worried about YOU hurting me
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either way, how am I supposed to trust you? how can I willfully put myself out there for you knowing I'm gonna get hurt like last night?
1/2
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🎀