rubi inbox

[pharmacy]

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Quentin Smith, 23

letters ◇ thoughts ◇ dreams

CODE BY

Comments

[pharmacy]

yes
you can practice for anything
the three to five seconds before you know you're gone are usually a bitch

[medals]

is that true or are you just trying to be brave about it

[pharmacy]

idk I guess I've never been brave about it, but you can get used to being terrified if you know you're gonna come back

I fell out of practice until your "brother" put me back on the horse
what a great guy

1/2

[medals]

he's a cunt, i know.

2/2

[medals]

have you ever killed anyone, q?

[pharmacy]

i swear to god if you're about to tell me not to knock it till i've tried it, we're done

[medals]

you saw what i did. do you really think i'd tell you that?

[pharmacy]

why does it matter if i've killed anyone

[medals]

well

do you think dying would make me any less shit scared of it

cw: suicide discussion

[pharmacy]

[ christ jem ]

I don't think killing yourself is going to help anything
where are you

cw: suicide discussion

[medals]

i'm with eddie and billy.

i'm not going to kill myself. i'm just thinking out loud

[pharmacy]

and what are you thinking exactly?

[medals]

maybe i'd be fine, if i died. maybe it wouldn't be some scary, horrible unknown thing that's always looming?

but i wouldn't do it. i couldn't.

[pharmacy]

okay

jem i think you need to find someone to talk to
maybe get a change of pace
new friends idk

[medals]

do you see a therapist in town????
lmao

[pharmacy]

no, but i'm not afraid of talking to my friends about the things that keep me awake

[medals]

i'm talking to you.

[pharmacy]

we're not friends

[medals]

ouch

[pharmacy]

I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just being honest
I don't want you to get hurt, but you haven't exactly been a friend to me

[medals]

no, i know.
i really am sorry. for everything. but probably not sorry enough.

i'm not going to hurt myself. i don't want to die. i really really really don't want to die and i'm so scared of it and i don't really know how to talk about this with anyone else and i'm just tired of being scared of it on top of everything else that's been happening

[pharmacy]

[ Maybe she's sorry enough, but she's not making any kind of change to show it. She can feel all she wants. He'll worry about sorry enough when it proves out. That kind of discussion isn't going to help right now, and Quentin has had enough insomnia-addled discussions to know. Focus on another hard truth: ]

idk what to tell you jem
until you've been there, there's nothing to do about it
maybe you'll just be scared till you die
I think a lot of people are

1/2

[medals]

maybe

2/2 cw: talk of past suicide / vague suicidal ideation

[medals]

[Later - later, when she's alone, or as alone as she can be when she's sandwiched between Eddie and Billy, and she can't bear to look at what she's done and she feels -

Clarity, maybe. A vague understanding. ]

i can't do it. i meant that. kieren -
he did it, and it destroyed us.

would you hate me if i asked you to do it.
because we're not friends.

[pharmacy]

JEM