rubi inbox

[pharmacy]

● ○ ○ ○

○ ● ○ ○

○ ○ ● ○

○ ○ ○ ●

Quentin Smith, 23

letters ◇ thoughts ◇ dreams

CODE BY

Comments

cw: suicide discussion

[medals]

i'm with eddie and billy.

i'm not going to kill myself. i'm just thinking out loud

[pharmacy]

and what are you thinking exactly?

[medals]

maybe i'd be fine, if i died. maybe it wouldn't be some scary, horrible unknown thing that's always looming?

but i wouldn't do it. i couldn't.

[pharmacy]

okay

jem i think you need to find someone to talk to
maybe get a change of pace
new friends idk

[medals]

do you see a therapist in town????
lmao

[pharmacy]

no, but i'm not afraid of talking to my friends about the things that keep me awake

[medals]

i'm talking to you.

[pharmacy]

we're not friends

[medals]

ouch

[pharmacy]

I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just being honest
I don't want you to get hurt, but you haven't exactly been a friend to me

[medals]

no, i know.
i really am sorry. for everything. but probably not sorry enough.

i'm not going to hurt myself. i don't want to die. i really really really don't want to die and i'm so scared of it and i don't really know how to talk about this with anyone else and i'm just tired of being scared of it on top of everything else that's been happening

[pharmacy]

[ Maybe she's sorry enough, but she's not making any kind of change to show it. She can feel all she wants. He'll worry about sorry enough when it proves out. That kind of discussion isn't going to help right now, and Quentin has had enough insomnia-addled discussions to know. Focus on another hard truth: ]

idk what to tell you jem
until you've been there, there's nothing to do about it
maybe you'll just be scared till you die
I think a lot of people are

1/2

[medals]

maybe

2/2 cw: talk of past suicide / vague suicidal ideation

[medals]

[Later - later, when she's alone, or as alone as she can be when she's sandwiched between Eddie and Billy, and she can't bear to look at what she's done and she feels -

Clarity, maybe. A vague understanding. ]

i can't do it. i meant that. kieren -
he did it, and it destroyed us.

would you hate me if i asked you to do it.
because we're not friends.

[pharmacy]

JEM

[medals]

so that's a no

[pharmacy]

what were you expecting??

what about john
what about the actual killer you're fucking

[medals]

because they'd be too kind, and it's
they just lost house.

[pharmacy]

so you want me to be the bastard for you

god forbid any of you people feel like assholes

[medals]

i think you'd be pragmatic about it and honest.
not a bastard.

1/2

[pharmacy]

this is not a fair fucking ask
you're asking me to do something fucking horrible, jem, and why? to protect people that actively choose not to give a shit about me?

I'm sorry about House
I'm sorry about your fucked up dreams, I'm sorry about your fucked up life
It's not okay for you to ask me this

2/2

[pharmacy]

[ But he thinks about it, because he can't help himself for feeling bad for just-some-girl caught in all-this-shit. Because he doesn't want to leave people hurting when he can do something about it.

[ Because it's a decent opportunity. ]

You would have to write a hell of an IOU

[medals]

name it.

[pharmacy]

I get three chances to call off the dogs
If I see you going after someone and tell you to stop, you stop, no questions asked

[medals]

done.