No... No, he... Godfinn was... [ there is a little swallow. ] Godfinn was the most charming man you would ever meet. When he smiled, it was like the whole world was delighted to see him glad. Everything was brighter in his presence. He never let anyone hurt me, when we were children, and he always told me the truth, even when other people would not. Even when the truth stung sometimes...
[ She breathed out. ]
Like... I have ever been awful at - a great deal of things, and I would lose something important to one of my duties that week or month and - he was so wonderful. He would always find it for me, just when I thought mother might scold me forever for making those mistakes.
[ There is the inhale, the readiness to say what is so predictable for her to say most of all: you do not understand, he's a good man, he is, he was, he was my big brother.
But even she, in all her hopeful optimism, her willingness to believe the best — could not deny it. ]
It was after... after he got the throne, that it started. I do not know what happened he became so... so... secretive and vicious. He would be away on duty for weeks, and then... come back and... he would just swing between temper when we were alone to still being so charming when there were others again. I would miss him so much, but I dreaded his return, by the end.
Power can change people. Authority can change people. I think you might understand better than some. I dunno, sometimes...sometimes the responsibility of authority takes what might have been a small problem and turns it into a big one.
I... yes, you are right. It was not until after the -
[ She swallows down. ]
... I am sorry, I do not mean to burden you with such things. I just never... never spoke of it to anyone and then - I could not talk of him at all.
[ She swallows, so good at not crying about this now, she finds her voice empty of it even now. Nothing comes up. Just a little silence of her breath, her thoughts trying to put themselves in order. ]
He committed treason, you see? Not just against our people, but against all people. He did something so, so awful... and for it, he was sentenced to death. [ she breathes, slow, empty. ] Mother passed the sentence. I sung the Hymns of damnation to usher his death. For three hours, we watched him die.
[ there was a deep breath that she is trying so hard not to crumple away, how hard it is to talk of her family's personal situation to an outsider, any outsider, even one she cared for and trusted implicitly - ]
... I feel confused. I always thought he was... he was just trying to help me. Because... because I was too weak. That was how he always... always said it. He said that mother was too kind to me, too soft, and that - I never learned responsibility, so he had to do it for her. Because he loved me and wanted me to be happy. That I was dull, and stupid, and ugly, so I must learn to endure these things if I ever wanted to be married and not looked over like I always was.
.... I still miss him, I still love him, I know I should condemn him, but even now, even though it has been years, I still... I still look for him. I still want to hear his voice. He was my whole world even when he...
... Am I... am I broken? Is there something... something wrong with me?
Gilia, no. You're not fucking broken. That's what abusive people do--they make you love them. He probably loved you, too, what are you supposed to do, not love your family?
... I do not know what I would be, without my family.
[ She frowns, closes her eyes, trying to will the tension out of her forehead. Why does that not sound as hopeful as she wants it to? ]
I have been so frightened, since the day he died. I have these dreams, sometimes. These awful, awful dreams... he drags me into his grave, where we executed him, and I watch a battle come. No matter what I do, I cannot stop it. He pulls my hair and makes me cry like when were children, he holds me so tightly and tells me he loves me all my days and that no one else would.
...In your dreams. [ His deep sigh and the way he tips back in the chair doesn't come across the connection. ] In your dreams, do you ever tell him you love him?
He did... he did something very, very bad, and... and a lot of people have been hurt. [ More and more she realised how it had all spun so far out of control. ]
... But I think most of all I wish selfishly, that he had not done it, because then I never would have been Queen. It is easier to be a disappointment when no one thinks much of you. I could have been in a Nunnery, devoting my life in prayer and readings, I could have been married, with children of my own by now.
Now I am Queen, and every day is misery, and... and if he had not...
Tell him that. Tell him you don't want to be Queen. Tell him anything in the dream that he hasn't heard. Maybe that's something you need to get out of your head. Put it to rest with him. You can't change the past. Worrying about the people stuck there...it's no good, Gil.
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[ She breathed out. ]
Like... I have ever been awful at - a great deal of things, and I would lose something important to one of my duties that week or month and - he was so wonderful. He would always find it for me, just when I thought mother might scold me forever for making those mistakes.
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But even she, in all her hopeful optimism, her willingness to believe the best — could not deny it. ]
It was after... after he got the throne, that it started. I do not know what happened he became so... so... secretive and vicious. He would be away on duty for weeks, and then... come back and... he would just swing between temper when we were alone to still being so charming when there were others again. I would miss him so much, but I dreaded his return, by the end.
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[ She swallows down. ]
... I am sorry, I do not mean to burden you with such things. I just never... never spoke of it to anyone and then - I could not talk of him at all.
[ She swallows, so good at not crying about this now, she finds her voice empty of it even now. Nothing comes up. Just a little silence of her breath, her thoughts trying to put themselves in order. ]
He committed treason, you see? Not just against our people, but against all people. He did something so, so awful... and for it, he was sentenced to death. [ she breathes, slow, empty. ] Mother passed the sentence. I sung the Hymns of damnation to usher his death. For three hours, we watched him die.
There was no more talking of Godfinn, after that.
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You're worried about something, Gilia.
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He...
[ there was a deep breath that she is trying so hard not to crumple away, how hard it is to talk of her family's personal situation to an outsider, any outsider, even one she cared for and trusted implicitly - ]
... I feel confused. I always thought he was... he was just trying to help me. Because... because I was too weak. That was how he always... always said it. He said that mother was too kind to me, too soft, and that - I never learned responsibility, so he had to do it for her. Because he loved me and wanted me to be happy. That I was dull, and stupid, and ugly, so I must learn to endure these things if I ever wanted to be married and not looked over like I always was.
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cw: abusive codependant relationships
... Am I... am I broken? Is there something... something wrong with me?
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Gilia, no. You're not fucking broken. That's what abusive people do--they make you love them. He probably loved you, too, what are you supposed to do, not love your family?
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[ She frowns, closes her eyes, trying to will the tension out of her forehead. Why does that not sound as hopeful as she wants it to? ]
I have been so frightened, since the day he died. I have these dreams, sometimes. These awful, awful dreams... he drags me into his grave, where we executed him, and I watch a battle come. No matter what I do, I cannot stop it. He pulls my hair and makes me cry like when were children, he holds me so tightly and tells me he loves me all my days and that no one else would.
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Always.
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No, no I do not think I have.
I do not know if I have, at all.
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[ She has to think, for a long time on that. ]
He did... he did something very, very bad, and... and a lot of people have been hurt. [ More and more she realised how it had all spun so far out of control. ]
... But I think most of all I wish selfishly, that he had not done it, because then I never would have been Queen. It is easier to be a disappointment when no one thinks much of you. I could have been in a Nunnery, devoting my life in prayer and readings, I could have been married, with children of my own by now.
Now I am Queen, and every day is misery, and... and if he had not...
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I... I shall try it, if it comes to me next.
[ If her fear would release her long enough to let her speak at all. ]
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And... thank you for listening, to me.
[ It went unsaid, how much she never admitted to anything that hurt her. ]
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